Within the past few months, I’ve become so much more accepting of myself and I am so thankful and proud of myself for that milestone. For years I lived putting all of my love into others, making certain those around me would never feel the absence of love. I never stopped to take a little time for myself. Not once did I take a breath and ask myself to do something simply for my enjoyment.
I denied myself basic rights and gave them away to those I loved. I wouldn’t allow myself to look in the mirror and appreciate the image or talk openly about my passions. I couldn’t accept compliments. I simply couldn’t, because I not only believed them to be entirely false, it was engraved into my brain from the time I was young that by accepting a compliment, one is selfish.
Writing this, I am so thankful for how far I have come. I am full of love and life and passion and music. I wear what makes me happy and feel comfortably confident. I say what I believe is true. While looking in the mirror, I do not deny myself the right of self appreciation. I admire my flaws and my rugged skin. I’ve lived within it almost 16 years and intend to make it many, many more. I blast the music that fills me with such emotions a simple combination of 26 letters cannot convey. I dance around my room and the house without a care, happily floating with a grin. I accept compliments, because now I know when they come from a place of sincerity and truth. I so deeply appreciate the little things in the world, like the alphabet, Oreos, toothpaste, dandelions, and musicians. I have drowned myself in self love and could not be any happier, prouder.
One thing I have learned from this is you cannot fully love those around you until you love yourself. Without that crucial piece, you will find yourself searching for bits and pieces of your soul in others, whom of which will not have those bits. You have to love yourself. I cannot begin to explain how important it is. It took my 15 years to realize and several years to regain. Do not lose yourself as I did, and if you already have, it is never to late to find yourself again.
Find who you are. Discover your fascinations and bizarre quirks. Memorize the way you love the scent of a fresh spring morning or freshly fallen snow. Engrave your passions into your mind. Think about what you crave at 2 am and the lingering thoughts when you cannot sleep. Replay the songs stuck in your mind and add in a chorus of the sound of your dog barking or a loved one coming home. Tattoo your favorite quotes along your skin so only you can see them each day, reminding you it is okay. Photograph your favorite smiles and hang them along your memory. Find yourself.
Take the pieces of your soul and form a puzzle. It will take time, oh so much time to fit them together but I promise you it is worth it. Pieces will look like they fit only for you to discover they are from the wrong puzzle. It will be frustrating and painful, but it is a journey worth anything. You will make it; eventually you will see the full picture and it will be beautiful.
From the girl who said she was lost forever and was a mystery never to be solved,
From the girl who found herself with live music, a little sister, loved ones, writing, and you.
Porcelain Prose 